The courage to become yourself
What Secure Attachment Really Means: Beyond Attachment Styles to Safety, Growth, and Identity
The greater the feeling of safety, the wider the range of exploration…security of attachment leads to an expanded range of exploration.”
— Daniel J. Siegel
Much has been written about attachment in recent years.
We’re encouraged to ask whether we’re anxious, avoidant, or secure. For many people, these ideas have brought understanding and relief. They’ve helped explain patterns that once felt confusing or shameful.
But I sometimes wonder whether, in our enthusiasm for attachment, we’ve unintentionally reduced a rich development theory to a set of fixed labels.
Perhaps attachment was never meant to tell us who we are. Perhaps it was always about how we grow. At its heart, secure attachment gives us something profoundly important. It gives us safety. Not as the destination, but as the foundation from which we begin to explore.
A child who never feels secure doesn’t spend their life holding tightly to a parent. Quite the opposite. Feeling safe gives them the confidence to venture into the world, to experiment, make mistakes, discover, and, gradually, become themselves.
Watch a young child in a park. They run ahead. Then they stop. They look back. Not because they necessarily want to return, but because they want to know someone is still there. If they catch the eye of a calm, reassuring parent, they continue exploring.
If they become frightened or overwhelmed, they run back. Moments later, they set off again.
One of my favourite words from developmental psychology is rapprochement, a French word meaning coming together again. I love the way it rolls off the tongue, but I love its meaning even more.
It reminds us that healthy development was never about choosing between closeness and independence. It was always about learning the rhythm of leaving and returning. The return makes the next departure possible. Perhaps this rhythm doesn't end in childhood.
As adults, we continue to move towards and away from those we love. There are seasons that draw us into greater closeness. There are other seasons that invite us to step out into the world, to build meaningful work, nurture friendships, develop our gifts, discover our own values and continue becoming ourselves.
Healthy relationships make room for both.
For parents, perhaps one of the greatest acts of love is not simply holding a child close, but gradually creating enough safety for them to move away. To become someone uniquely themselves. Not a reflection of us, but a person in their own right. And to trust that, if we’ve done our job well, they will know they can always come home.
Perhaps this is why I worry that our language around attachment has become too static.
Moving away isn’t always avoidance. Seeking closeness isn’t always anxiety. Sometimes stepping back is an act of growth. Sometimes returning is an act of trust.
Psychological health isn’t found in remaining in one place. It’s found in the flexibility to move between connection and independence as life requires.
Our earliest relationships undoubtedly shape us. But they do not have the final word. Safe relationships, meaningful experiences, and therapy can become places where new experiences of connection gradually reshape old expectations.
Perhaps secure attachment isn’t something we simply have. Perhaps it’s something we continue to create.
So perhaps, instead of asking, “What attachment style am I?” we might ask ourselves different questions.
Does this relationship help me feel both safe and free?
Where in my life am I being invited to grow?
Am I creating enough space to become more fully myself?
Am I allowing the people I love to become more fully themselves?
When I seek closeness, what am I truly needing?
When I create distance, am I protecting myself, or am I growing?
Can I move towards and away from the people I love without fearing the relationship will be lost?
Do my relationships give me both a sense of belonging and the freedom to become?